meaningful, meaninglessness

In having dealt was a tough situation this week and with a person that has always been my downfall, it left me feeling ...crappy.
All the tensions and anxieties..ugh..the feeling of conflict and disa..everything..disappointment, disagreement, disawhatever. I was blindsided by a surprising bombardment of bad memories. I have been working hard on getting rid of anything from that time in my life, or anything that makes me remember. But since I still have to deal with the person, I can't avoid it completely. I am only writing this here to be able to look back on and to remind myself how far I've finally gotten away from those times.
My husband always asks me why? But I can't answer that if its something I never could answer even to myself. I guess now I would just admit it as stubborness.
I've also learned that person is a completely different person now. In having to deal with crazy situations all week, I saw how different that person is now. Virtually a stranger, which I felt was very enlightening. Even more importantly that I am a completely different person, stronger and wiser and able to handle things that were coming up because I was clearheaded and had traveled so much in the last couple years with my husband. That person looks so powerless and meaningless now.
What made me feel crappy, was that the memories that were flying out of nowhere were ordinary every day life, but they made me sad. Incredibly, overcomingly, horribly sad. Even if the memories weren't necessarily sad, they just made ME sad. I tried figuring out why.. Its never easy to feel un-valuable, but that's not what is important, because that person is not important anymore.
All week, that I've heard this voice, like claws on chalk; the sweetest sound I heard was my husband's voice, no matter the fact that he's four thousand miles away from me, the contrast in his spirit is something I ..can't even figure out how to word..need, live for, thrive on, am comforted by, am given strength from..LOVE.
I want to forget the sad, the bad, the ill, and I hope I do someday. I don't want to look back anymore. I don't want to remember. The people in those times don't even exist anymore. There is nothing that could ever make those bad, sad and ill lives happen again. And I pray that the more new life that happens everyday, that the less room there is for remembering the old life.

ahhll is well

Part of the trip to pick up Liana from Seattle got a little scary when the weather got ugly and it got dark, but with the end of the ordeal within reach it was a most gratifying motivation. Since it was Christmas, we were pleasantly surprised to see the Lili's fav restaurant was open, so it was a treat to get to eat out. The girls were ecstatic to be back together and couldn't wait to get home and play. I sat down on the couch for a minute and must of conked out for about half an hour (with the food and recovering of the tensions of driving in a snowstorm). It was tough to get them down for the night but I knew that we all needed to get back to some healthy routines of sleep and eatting. I kept going back in to see that Lili was really home, that I could relax and all was well.

s t u c k ..in seattle

How How How?

I keep wondering how and why things could be so annoyingly complicated? We have been slammed with stupid snowstorms for almost a week and Lili got trapped in Seattle with ..ya know. I've had to help get them situated in crappy hotels in a city that they know nothing about with very little money to work with. Its annoying to have to feel like I'm helping him and doing something stupid or wrong, but in the same breath feel like, there's nothing to contemplate. Liana is with him. I would never refrain from giving her anything she needed and I know Mitch wouldn't either. I will never let her be hungry or without, but now although he has been saying that he wanted to leave tomorrow because he is low on funds, now he says he's staying longer. Of course it makes me uneasy, but I was reminded that he is entitled to have time with her through the rest of this week. Its extremely difficult to try and communicate sanely with someone that has always driven you insane. I can't wait to have my baby girl home, for this week to be over and for us to be able to get back to our lives.

merry dec 19

Our Little Christmas went well. I was up VERY late wrapping presents all by my lonesome, but it serves me right for not having started sooner. I was extremely sleepy when the girls came in to wake me, wiggling with excitement! That feeling is the best when you're a kid and realize you were actually able to fall asleep and now all you have to do is get your parents and get to the tree!
It was a challenge taking pictures and videos because I was doing both at once. My parents gave us a new digital camcorder but its not easy to download, so I just used Mitch's digital camera because I knew I wanted to make a smilebox. Although he was on the phone I wanted to be able to send it quickly so Mitch could see it right away. He hasn't seen though because the only emails going through now are just the govt work related. He sounded like he was ok to at least be able to be on the phone.
We opened presents, had easy breakfast stuff and while they were there playing I fell asleep on a pillow by the tree. Later I made the dinner of the things had asked for and afterwards me made cupcakes.
It was pretty low-key, just as any kid would like it to be when they just want to play with their new toys. We relaxed and enjoyed our blessings and eachother.

Seattle X Heart

Yesterday, we awoke to very bright and sunny day. It was freezing but it was the first time my mom and Xai got to see all the mountains that surround us that had been hiding in the clouds. I decided to carpe diem and keep the girls with us again to venture to Seattle.

I was really nervous to make the drive and hoped I would remember my way around once I got there. We figured it all out and made it all the way to the Space Needle. This was our first time actually going up. I felt bad that Mitch wasn't with us, and thought about how much he would have loved it. I wonder WHY we haven't already done this..so but, it was a VERY cold and a superwindy day. Everyone stayed inside, but I went out to take pictures. At one point I thought my hair had gotten caught or pulled on something, but it was actually just how strong the wind was blowing. I'd go out, take a few shots, and go back in to warm up. It sucks how costly it is to go up there, for as quick as the excitement is over. I had to explain to the kids when they asked why the heck we went up there, they didn't seem extremely impressed.

But regardless of whether or not they appreciated it, they can say they've been there now.

Afterwards we went to the Bay Pavillion that Mitch usually takes us to and we had dinner at the Crab Pot. We even shared a piece of Mud Pie because he called and said we had to afterwards ;) Lastly we let the kids take a ride on the Waterfront Carousel. Then we headed back on a WAY too long drive for our last night together.

so much to do, so little time

Friday evening I made steak fajitas, which took a while to make, eat and clean up. Then I got the idea to go do holiday shopping for the girls since mom was here and found out that toys r us is open til midnight. It was so nice and quiet and I got pretty well done in one visit.
Saturday was pretty well blown at Chuckee Cheese because the girls had been invited to a birthday party and since it was cleared that Xai could come too, we went ahead and let them go. It always has been my least favorite place in the world, but I survived. Especially on a Saturday, that place was a madhouse! Afterwards we went to dinner at The Mayan because Mitch wanted me to take my mom there really bad. It was pretty good-I was stuffed. Then we were rotten cuz we came home and made brownies.
Sunday, we went to Shari's for brunch (Lili's favorite), then my mom went to service and I took the kids to Charlie Safari. It has a huge climb structure, bounce rooms and slides. They had a blast, and I actually climbed through it with them for the first time. I survived that too. I really wanted to try going to Seattle, but it started snowing really hard until dark. It didn't actually accumulate into anything, but nonetheless it made for an evening at home by the fire. I made tacos and the rest of the pumpkin choc chip cookies. My mom and I opened champagne and actually worked on a puzzle, something would never usually do, but once we got it going it got addictive.
I hate that tomorrow is our last day together, I feel like I can't decide what to do with it..but supposedly the sun will be shining, so that will be a first IF it happens before she leaves :)

Mom and Xai's visit to Oly

We spent the day in Olympia today. I kept the girls with us for the day and we went to the Childrens Museum, the port and an early dinner. It was fun and I was glad that we kept to a schedule and got everything in. The museum was small and smelly (restrooms were permeating thru the place) BUT besides that it was pretty cool. It was pretty cold out but we walked part of the port just to the lookout tower and then went to eat at Budd Bay. Our early dinner was da bomb and didn't want it to end. Since we were there early we got to pick from the sunset menu which included dessert, I got frickin creme brulee and didn't even expect dessert! I'm sorry it was awesome and I've been thinking of it ever since.

dec 3

Since last week time has crept by quickly.

The holiday passed, we survived and actually had a great time at our neighbors' gathering. The girls were ecstatic to have other kids to play with and it was great to have fun times with adults. The long weekend was nice, the highlight was definitely having made Kara's Pumpkin Chocolate chip cookies. Only bad thing is I can't stop eatting them-they came out perfectly delicious! I have decided to make them a definite part of my holiday tradition!

We put up our tree, and with the girls having the camera it made light of another subject that could've been saddening. I was pretty proud of us getting it done all by our chickie selves. I would love to get lights up on the exterior of the house, I just don't know if I'll get up that much initiative... Marley turned one by the way.

Yesterday, the girls finished up their last of the free tai kwon do lessons. Ari may pick them back up after the holidays (she does very well at it), Lili says she's "done". I got my camera working again, so it was fun to take pictures that came out pretty cool.

As of tonite, I'm beat. I think I got to talk to all my main peeps today, and in saying that I was feeling great about it finally being December, I feel like I talked myself out of it. I'm done feeling enthusiastic today. Hopefully it comes back tomorrow, but this evening is crapped out. It seemed like everything I did today ended up being a huge waste of time and for that I am in a horrible mood.

Its funny how the first thing I thought of is how Mitch is always saying he needs a vacation. That's exactly how I feel. I need a vacation from being responsible, paying bills and being in charge and am freakin' tired of it! I would love a day of laughing til it hurts, partying, celebrating and just being with friends...I guess I have my memories.