in forever

It has been forever since I've written here...apparently a year and a half! I guess life either calmed down or got busy, whichever covers the moment.

Tonight, Ariana and I finished the second book of the twilight series, eclipse. It was fun. I've heard many moms say that these books have gotten them reading again and I guess I'm one of those. I honestly haven't read an actual book since I had to in high school. I would definitely say that they are a fun read.

My favorite thing about them is all the play on words and her amazing gift for describing beauty, love and pain. It has been fun getting to restock my mind with so many beautiful terms and interesting depictions. I have always loved vocabulary of the english language and the way it steals from every culture to fully be able to cover every facet of every idea. It is nice to see someone using such enthusiastic use of love of words to tell a story.

Anyways, in doing so, I realize I haven't written ANYTHING in well forever. Even worse, I still don't have much coming to the surface. I miss oozing of ideals and or of emotion.

Strange how when a healthy happy life is happening, it loses all the heat of hurt, eagerness, or fear. Life in a routine becomes safe and comfortable but becomes something of little conversation or discussion. Suddenly controversy is petty or stupid and easily blown out of proportion, just because tension has grown stagnent. Anger is just harder to hurdle when its simply out of ignorant stubborness. In the calmness, what brings excitement? Vacations, music, something that tastes really good, passion. Ok answers are good but aren't always easy to happen. Variety, again takes spontaneaty which isn't always easy to invent. Thankfulness that all is well and realizing how blessed life is with nothing lurking or destroying your happiness. What is there to write about?

Life is full as you make it, why am I so comfortable with it being so still during the day but so frustrated that I didn't do more with my time as night approaches? Its frustrating. If I could control my initiative and thoughts I would reverse them to take better advantage of daylight.

Having a family becomes a gridwork for the structure that you give your children. That has its right to be a priority, time passes entirely too quickly where they are concerned. It feels like you only get one chance to guide the way and then its passed. You wait for each weekend to come and then summer for the leisure times but then realize that they've grown another year older in the process of looking forward to that time. You look at pictures of their little faces and look them in the eye to see how frighteningly much they have grown already! It pains you to look back and miss the plumpness in their faces and see the innocence in their eyes fleeting.

They become more and more aware of the world around themselves everyday and you have to decide every time whether to guide them through or cover their eyes. Endlessly you give them another minute that you can never get back and that guides them to their own path someday. You hope that at the very least, you do well enough that they will want you there in their future and even moreso, in their hearts and minds.

If being a mother means they become my legacy of the love I give them and they only do better than me, that would be worth the time that is still and quiet. My girls belong in a peaceful life and I only pray that our blessed life continues to be the happily ever after that we have all dreamed of and wanted for so long. I pray that any pains and disappointments become stepping stones that we carry eachother through and not get brought down by. I pray that the peace is what we are always striving for and that there never be hurt, eagerness or fear.