a lot of..

What to write about, what to write about.. funny how when things are well and content I feel less motivated to write. When things are hurting or disturbing, the words seem to flow easily.
The best thing about not feeling like writing is only that it seems like there's so much going that you don't want to miss a moment.
Mitch and I have had a lot of down time during his leave. Its confusing whether to want to just laze around and recover from the ordeal of being apart for seven months or to do our best to use our time together to do things, go places or even get little projects done. Of course we've done of a lot of the down time, and a little of the rest. We've watched SO MANY movies, and eatten out way too much. We realize that should start to dwindle after he feels more like he's gotten enough of things he was missing. I told him I feel bad that I haven't cooked as much as was while he was gone, but that its his fault that I'm too tired and distracted to want to cook. Maybe when he starts working again we'll get back into a more realistic routine, as opposed to home-a-tos ..ha!
Then to top things off I got a tummy bug that ruined the last couple of me being able to do much standing (cuz it hurt so bad) and meant a lot of me sleeping... I think I'm feeling better though.

jan 12

Today things are off kilter for some reason but I'm not sure why. I feel like writing but I don't know what about. I feel lonesome..weird to say.
The bad thing about relying on someone and depending on someone is that when they don't feel like being there, they may not be. When you lift your weight away and realize you can't lean on them, it reminds you that you shouldn't rely on someone else so much. You shouldn't put too much on or rely on anyone but yourself.
Human minds are dangerous things when they trod off in their own directions, it can be exhausting dealing with a person that just won't stay on track. Its also exhausting being the person that can't stop thinking and drifting so I know both sides feel hopeless at times. Stress and trauma make things toxic and twisted. Its a mystery whether healing is really such a thing and if life ever really does move on. Does the bad get over or does bad get over everything else?...just venting

feet finally touch the ground

Mitch and I have been glued to eachother since he got home. It was such a high to have him back home that we couldn't sleep for the past two nights. We looked exhausted, couldn't stay more than a few inches apart, and couldn't get over that we're finallyback together. He went to the base this morning but was back by noon. Today we had our very first time alone with the girls at school, since Lili started Kindergarten while he was gone. It was so momentus. We didn't do anything earthshattering, but it still felt as exciting as a date. We got his plate stickers, got Starbucks, went to a bike shop and a hardware store..weird thing was they were all my ideas. Then we went home and relaxed for about 45 minutes because I had Daisy Scouts to go to today with LiLi. It was nice to have his help in getting Ari & Myia home and getting to walk in the meeting on time for once. When Lili and I got home Mitch had done a lot of straightening and tidying up, which was so nice to have had the help.
I made a pretty filling dinner and he and I had shared a wine cooler, so he got sleepy and conked out. I fell asleep for a few minutes, but then woke up because I knew I needed to put the girls to bed and now feel wide awake..again. Oh well. At least I got to write a little.
Nice day, loved January 7th.

maybe I'll write more when I stop flippin out!

NO JOKE! My husband is home! I say he's home early but in reality he was actually there for longer than he should have been because he had bypassed some training ahd had actually gotten there early.
He surprised me and actually showed up at our front door!! He got here about 2:30 and we went and got the girls from school at 3:00. I couldn't wait to see their faces!
Liana got a confused looking surprised...


Ari almost lost it!

This was a day I hope I never forget. I could not believe it was real even when it was actually happening, and ever since he got here I can't take my eyes off him. I just can't believe he's really here...

the NEW YEAR!

I surprised the girls and decorated a little for New Years Eve. They wore the hat and beads they asked for all evening. We had a fun dinner and they blew their noisemakers everytime another time zone hit midnight. By the time we finally had ours (was ours the last in the world or something??) I was thankful it was finally our time. They had fun and were way too excited! It was cool and it kept my spirits up. At midnight, yes they stayed up, we watched the fireworks on tv from the Space Needle in Seattle and called Mitch. He heard the girls' noisemakers and was laughing, he couldn't really talk so he gave me a bunch of kisses and told me Happy New Year, which I really appreciated it, considering he was probably surrounded by his fellow assoicates. It was pretty good, for being apart.
All I know is January..February..that's all I think about. I cannot wait for him to come home!

meaningful, meaninglessness

In having dealt was a tough situation this week and with a person that has always been my downfall, it left me feeling ...crappy.
All the tensions and anxieties..ugh..the feeling of conflict and disa..everything..disappointment, disagreement, disawhatever. I was blindsided by a surprising bombardment of bad memories. I have been working hard on getting rid of anything from that time in my life, or anything that makes me remember. But since I still have to deal with the person, I can't avoid it completely. I am only writing this here to be able to look back on and to remind myself how far I've finally gotten away from those times.
My husband always asks me why? But I can't answer that if its something I never could answer even to myself. I guess now I would just admit it as stubborness.
I've also learned that person is a completely different person now. In having to deal with crazy situations all week, I saw how different that person is now. Virtually a stranger, which I felt was very enlightening. Even more importantly that I am a completely different person, stronger and wiser and able to handle things that were coming up because I was clearheaded and had traveled so much in the last couple years with my husband. That person looks so powerless and meaningless now.
What made me feel crappy, was that the memories that were flying out of nowhere were ordinary every day life, but they made me sad. Incredibly, overcomingly, horribly sad. Even if the memories weren't necessarily sad, they just made ME sad. I tried figuring out why.. Its never easy to feel un-valuable, but that's not what is important, because that person is not important anymore.
All week, that I've heard this voice, like claws on chalk; the sweetest sound I heard was my husband's voice, no matter the fact that he's four thousand miles away from me, the contrast in his spirit is something I ..can't even figure out how to word..need, live for, thrive on, am comforted by, am given strength from..LOVE.
I want to forget the sad, the bad, the ill, and I hope I do someday. I don't want to look back anymore. I don't want to remember. The people in those times don't even exist anymore. There is nothing that could ever make those bad, sad and ill lives happen again. And I pray that the more new life that happens everyday, that the less room there is for remembering the old life.

ahhll is well

Part of the trip to pick up Liana from Seattle got a little scary when the weather got ugly and it got dark, but with the end of the ordeal within reach it was a most gratifying motivation. Since it was Christmas, we were pleasantly surprised to see the Lili's fav restaurant was open, so it was a treat to get to eat out. The girls were ecstatic to be back together and couldn't wait to get home and play. I sat down on the couch for a minute and must of conked out for about half an hour (with the food and recovering of the tensions of driving in a snowstorm). It was tough to get them down for the night but I knew that we all needed to get back to some healthy routines of sleep and eatting. I kept going back in to see that Lili was really home, that I could relax and all was well.