It has been forever since I've written here...apparently a year and a half! I guess life either calmed down or got busy, whichever covers the moment.
Tonight, Ariana and I finished the second book of the twilight series, eclipse. It was fun. I've heard many moms say that these books have gotten them reading again and I guess I'm one of those. I honestly haven't read an actual book since I had to in high school. I would definitely say that they are a fun read.
My favorite thing about them is all the play on words and her amazing gift for describing beauty, love and pain. It has been fun getting to restock my mind with so many beautiful terms and interesting depictions. I have always loved vocabulary of the english language and the way it steals from every culture to fully be able to cover every facet of every idea. It is nice to see someone using such enthusiastic use of love of words to tell a story.
Anyways, in doing so, I realize I haven't written ANYTHING in well forever. Even worse, I still don't have much coming to the surface. I miss oozing of ideals and or of emotion.
Strange how when a healthy happy life is happening, it loses all the heat of hurt, eagerness, or fear. Life in a routine becomes safe and comfortable but becomes something of little conversation or discussion. Suddenly controversy is petty or stupid and easily blown out of proportion, just because tension has grown stagnent. Anger is just harder to hurdle when its simply out of ignorant stubborness. In the calmness, what brings excitement? Vacations, music, something that tastes really good, passion. Ok answers are good but aren't always easy to happen. Variety, again takes spontaneaty which isn't always easy to invent. Thankfulness that all is well and realizing how blessed life is with nothing lurking or destroying your happiness. What is there to write about?
Life is full as you make it, why am I so comfortable with it being so still during the day but so frustrated that I didn't do more with my time as night approaches? Its frustrating. If I could control my initiative and thoughts I would reverse them to take better advantage of daylight.
Having a family becomes a gridwork for the structure that you give your children. That has its right to be a priority, time passes entirely too quickly where they are concerned. It feels like you only get one chance to guide the way and then its passed. You wait for each weekend to come and then summer for the leisure times but then realize that they've grown another year older in the process of looking forward to that time. You look at pictures of their little faces and look them in the eye to see how frighteningly much they have grown already! It pains you to look back and miss the plumpness in their faces and see the innocence in their eyes fleeting.
They become more and more aware of the world around themselves everyday and you have to decide every time whether to guide them through or cover their eyes. Endlessly you give them another minute that you can never get back and that guides them to their own path someday. You hope that at the very least, you do well enough that they will want you there in their future and even moreso, in their hearts and minds.
If being a mother means they become my legacy of the love I give them and they only do better than me, that would be worth the time that is still and quiet. My girls belong in a peaceful life and I only pray that our blessed life continues to be the happily ever after that we have all dreamed of and wanted for so long. I pray that any pains and disappointments become stepping stones that we carry eachother through and not get brought down by. I pray that the peace is what we are always striving for and that there never be hurt, eagerness or fear.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Saturday, August 8, 2009
thirty FIVE
I'm really turning this old Monday?!! The numbers 3 5 are so fat and round, there's nothing pretty about them. Why am this old?!..makes me mad..oh well, I guess its better than 75
For being this old, I guess I'm ok with saying that I've done a lot with with my time. I love looking back on my childhood. With my parents and my brother in Arizona, then my other brother, then living in England and getting my sister. Each of those were such an adventure in themselves.
Then came Nebraska...I would've never imagined how much life I would end up living there.
Its crazy that all our childhoods came to an end there. Its crazy that we ended up having our own children and starting our own families. It always seems like you can't grow up fast ENOUGH when you're little, and when you finally do, you wish you could go back in time.
I know I have a lot of life left, but sometimes looking back makes it seem like so much longer than it is. Makes you wonder how you could have survived certain things or wish you could change others. To think of decisions you made that you thought were the best and what could've been if you had chosen differently. Did I fight hard enough, did I really win or lose, did I do my best to learn the most out of every lesson. When we will we really ever learn?.....
The best things in life are the times when you laughed REALLY hard or felt extremely happy. The times when you and the people you love look back and feel those things all over again. The sacred moments you have with your little ones that you know, even as their happening, that you'll never forget.
I can't imagine the future. I hate the idea of being old, I always have. My mom has always told me to stop saying that before I don't get the chance to experience it. The idea I hate the most is of hurting or not being able to get around. I have never taken the luxury of my health for granted, not to say that I take great care of my health-that's hard, but I have always appreciated every thing that I can do. To imagine any part of me not being ok freaks me out.
Then there's the idea of my kids being grown and gone...I know that most people look forward to that, but again..that freaks me out. They're so little right now but every day they grow faster and faster and come closer to living their lives on their own. Which I'm supposed to help prepare them for? People warn you all your life to enjoy your youth, to enjoy your children's youths and you do your best. Regardless, it still goes way too fast and you go from having a newborn baby and still feeling young "enough" at 28 to having a six year old and being 35! Its just too fast, way too fast. Well, I better catch my breath before I miss something,
For being this old, I guess I'm ok with saying that I've done a lot with with my time. I love looking back on my childhood. With my parents and my brother in Arizona, then my other brother, then living in England and getting my sister. Each of those were such an adventure in themselves.
Then came Nebraska...I would've never imagined how much life I would end up living there.
Its crazy that all our childhoods came to an end there. Its crazy that we ended up having our own children and starting our own families. It always seems like you can't grow up fast ENOUGH when you're little, and when you finally do, you wish you could go back in time.
I know I have a lot of life left, but sometimes looking back makes it seem like so much longer than it is. Makes you wonder how you could have survived certain things or wish you could change others. To think of decisions you made that you thought were the best and what could've been if you had chosen differently. Did I fight hard enough, did I really win or lose, did I do my best to learn the most out of every lesson. When we will we really ever learn?.....
The best things in life are the times when you laughed REALLY hard or felt extremely happy. The times when you and the people you love look back and feel those things all over again. The sacred moments you have with your little ones that you know, even as their happening, that you'll never forget.
I can't imagine the future. I hate the idea of being old, I always have. My mom has always told me to stop saying that before I don't get the chance to experience it. The idea I hate the most is of hurting or not being able to get around. I have never taken the luxury of my health for granted, not to say that I take great care of my health-that's hard, but I have always appreciated every thing that I can do. To imagine any part of me not being ok freaks me out.
Then there's the idea of my kids being grown and gone...I know that most people look forward to that, but again..that freaks me out. They're so little right now but every day they grow faster and faster and come closer to living their lives on their own. Which I'm supposed to help prepare them for? People warn you all your life to enjoy your youth, to enjoy your children's youths and you do your best. Regardless, it still goes way too fast and you go from having a newborn baby and still feeling young "enough" at 28 to having a six year old and being 35! Its just too fast, way too fast. Well, I better catch my breath before I miss something,
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
weak week
You're supposed to believe that someday your kids won't need you, right? Its so different when you're put in the circumstance of "sharing" your kid. I realize that Bellevue is home for her, because it was for me too and is even more rooted for her because of family and where she's spent most of her life so far. Its just hard to be on the other end of everything and be the furthest away and least involved in her day. Its so the opposite of everything I've ever given her. I direly dreaded her visit away from me as it approached and as soon as I stepped away from her, I felt clenched.
I wanted to do my best to enjoy time living alone with my husband since we never really had. I wanted to have a positive attitude and make the most of what was, and I somehow did it most days. But six weeks is such a long time. Now that the time is finally coming close to an end, I keep wondering how much she will have changed. Even in just the times that she's on the phone with me, I hear her old self and little behaviors creeping back up. It sux being on the end that is less desireable because there's so much distraction on her end. It really sux upsetting her at the discussion of her leaving there, because all I'm waiting for is for her to be in my arms again. It sux to know that every time I think about taking her away from what she feels is home, I feel can't help the guilt I feel for hurting her. I hope and pray that the life and choices I've made for me and her give her the best and make up for the sacrifices she has had to make. I hope that at the least, she sees a lot from me and my mom, and that you can hang on tight to eachother -no matter how far or how old you are. I pray she always loves me as much as I love her, and I especially pray that she always feels that she needs me as much as I need her.
I wanted to do my best to enjoy time living alone with my husband since we never really had. I wanted to have a positive attitude and make the most of what was, and I somehow did it most days. But six weeks is such a long time. Now that the time is finally coming close to an end, I keep wondering how much she will have changed. Even in just the times that she's on the phone with me, I hear her old self and little behaviors creeping back up. It sux being on the end that is less desireable because there's so much distraction on her end. It really sux upsetting her at the discussion of her leaving there, because all I'm waiting for is for her to be in my arms again. It sux to know that every time I think about taking her away from what she feels is home, I feel can't help the guilt I feel for hurting her. I hope and pray that the life and choices I've made for me and her give her the best and make up for the sacrifices she has had to make. I hope that at the least, she sees a lot from me and my mom, and that you can hang on tight to eachother -no matter how far or how old you are. I pray she always loves me as much as I love her, and I especially pray that she always feels that she needs me as much as I need her.
jul 31-aug 2
This weekend was Vegas, I'd definitely say my favorite part was the amazing suite. We stayed at the MGM Signature Suites and I LOVED it. I could've lived in the bathroom alone. It was so beautiful and the even had a jetted tub..ahhh. The little tv being in there was just decadent and honestly, I didn't want to come out. (In loving memory:) http://www.signaturemgmgrand.com/Suites/Default.aspx There were super soft white robes that were so comfy but not hot and I kept throwing it on every chance I got...and the bed..omgosh it was sooo soft and fluffy. I loved the food we ate out, of course, I always love eatting out though.
When we were checking out Mitch had one last surprise, he noticed that I loved the robe so much that he had bought me my own to take home. I can't wait til it gets as soft as the waywashed ones.
It was a blast getting out at Mandalay Bay, their clubs are so pretty, especially minus5. It was fun posting all the pics on facebook and getting to step back and look at our fun time in Vegas. Its somewhere I always wanted to go with him, only because it was one simple somewhere he hadn't been. Getting pictures can get kinda of annoying when you're having to tote a camera everywhere, but its so worth it when you get to look back on the experience...fun, fun
When we were checking out Mitch had one last surprise, he noticed that I loved the robe so much that he had bought me my own to take home. I can't wait til it gets as soft as the waywashed ones.
It was a blast getting out at Mandalay Bay, their clubs are so pretty, especially minus5. It was fun posting all the pics on facebook and getting to step back and look at our fun time in Vegas. Its somewhere I always wanted to go with him, only because it was one simple somewhere he hadn't been. Getting pictures can get kinda of annoying when you're having to tote a camera everywhere, but its so worth it when you get to look back on the experience...fun, fun
Monday, July 20, 2009
tic tic tick
My girls have been gone over two weeks now, which means I still have a ways to go til they come home. Its been really different not having their shows on tv, not picking meals catered to them, having grown up foods more often, being able to go at a moments notice, seeing real movies at the theater, having no routine, just not having much to consider. Most of all I miss their voices, in their playroom, in the yard, singing in the car..just like I knew I would...I miss Lili's hundred hugs a day, and making her happy. I miss having my little helper and Mitch's little mini-me, Ari.
Mitch has loved having this time alone and keeps doing his best to make the most of it, although we keep feeling like we could be doing more. Yesterday I asked him if this time would be something he would like to look forward to every year or would rather have us having a baby (since he still keeps bringing that up). I wondered if he had thought about that since he keeps talking about how great this is...but he still said he'd rather have baby....sigh
I think if I could I be guaranteed it be a boy, maybe that would convince me...I think.
I'm scared..a baby? why can't I just talk myself into it already..ugh
Mitch has loved having this time alone and keeps doing his best to make the most of it, although we keep feeling like we could be doing more. Yesterday I asked him if this time would be something he would like to look forward to every year or would rather have us having a baby (since he still keeps bringing that up). I wondered if he had thought about that since he keeps talking about how great this is...but he still said he'd rather have baby....sigh
I think if I could I be guaranteed it be a boy, maybe that would convince me...I think.
I'm scared..a baby? why can't I just talk myself into it already..ugh
Friday, May 1, 2009
may day!
This week Mitch warned me that he would be going to Michigan for a week, so he was working his butt off to get caught up ahead at work and get his all his stuff together. The week went fast! Afterschool, Wednesday was fun with Lili's daisy scouts, we planted flowers and picked up garbage-so cute. Thursday I took both girls to the salon, I got Lili's hair cut about two inches off and Ari got a touchup.
Today he came home around noon so I decided not to volunteer in Lili's class today to spend a little time with him, good thing I did because he got the call at 2, that he needed to be back on base and ready to go by 3:15. I had made a cake today to use some bananas and I at least sent him off with a piece. It was good, very rich, that it kinda was so moist it was hard to swallow..but good I guess. heehee..and so as he was rushing off, I had to run and get the girls out of school early (and run them home to say bye to him) then take Ari to her orthodonics appt at 3. So far he sent me a picture from his phone in the cargo plane and he called me to let me know he was there..
He's not sure whether he'll be home on Sat. or Sun. next weekend, it will be Mother's day..so..he better be.. ;-)
Today he came home around noon so I decided not to volunteer in Lili's class today to spend a little time with him, good thing I did because he got the call at 2, that he needed to be back on base and ready to go by 3:15. I had made a cake today to use some bananas and I at least sent him off with a piece. It was good, very rich, that it kinda was so moist it was hard to swallow..but good I guess. heehee..and so as he was rushing off, I had to run and get the girls out of school early (and run them home to say bye to him) then take Ari to her orthodonics appt at 3. So far he sent me a picture from his phone in the cargo plane and he called me to let me know he was there..
He's not sure whether he'll be home on Sat. or Sun. next weekend, it will be Mother's day..so..he better be.. ;-)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Visiting Home
Saturday, we arrived and it felt like forever til we found my dad picking us up. Then we got a wonderful enchilada dinner at my mom's house, Adam's family joined us. It was nice to finally meet Mia, she was beautiful. It was great to see all my nieces and nephews and how beautifully they've grown. Isabella has especially wrapped us around her finger with her enormous brown eyes and funny faces.
Sunday, we got out really late, had Village Inn, visited my mom's, then went to Adam's house. He and Kim made us a very nice family dinner, then we dropped Xai back at mom's because he had school the next morning.
Monday, we started the day with a visit to Mom's while the Adam's kids came for the morning. Next, we grabbed Sonic for lunch on our way to visit Kara & Lauren. We had a sweet visit and got to see how much Lauren's grown, Kara's tiny baby bump, and the girls loved hanging out with Maggie. It was exciting to see they're new property and to imagine all the cool things they will do there with their beautiful family-so cool.
Tuesday, was pretty special. I went and got all the kids from Mom's (which took forever), ran to Nobbies to get a balloon bouquet for Ari and all went back to billetting to surprise her with it. Then soonafter we went out to the Pizza Factory to celebrate with Owen and his family. Today he changed his name to Owen Dennis DeLaCruz and went through court to be adopted by Adam. It was pretty neat that we were here for that. Afterwards we spent the day at his house had a bbq dinner and cake. We sang happy DeLaCruz day to him and happy birthday to Ari ;)
Wednesday, we went to Borsheims and later on, Mitch and I got to see Fatima for a late dinner. It was so good to get to Kona, I've missed those avocado eggrolls and Cosmos like you wouldn't believe. It was great to see her and I hated imagining her not being in Omaha the next time we're there. I'm gonna miss her, but I'm excited for all the new ventures she has in store.
Thursday, Lili was gone all day..we went out with Aaron that night. We had M's pub then out to the Prestige lounge, I had a creme brulee martini, yum.
Friday, all the kids were finally home for their puney spring break and had a blast together. They put on a little show, made us lunch and spent the afternoon at Skate City. Kara & Lauren even joined us to visit for a little while. That night Mitch and I went to Shawn's birthday party and he FINALLY got to see everyone, which was very cool.
Saturday, M, I, Mom & Sara went to HuHot for lunch and I had seconds for the first time..mmm Then Mitch & I went to Gretna and visited with Karan & Rich, which was so nice & relaxing.
Lastly, we finished our visit to NE with another family dinner and goodbyes at mom & dad's, then we stayed the night at the Hilton to catch the shuttle to our very early flight. We loved this visit.
Sunday, we got out really late, had Village Inn, visited my mom's, then went to Adam's house. He and Kim made us a very nice family dinner, then we dropped Xai back at mom's because he had school the next morning.
Monday, we started the day with a visit to Mom's while the Adam's kids came for the morning. Next, we grabbed Sonic for lunch on our way to visit Kara & Lauren. We had a sweet visit and got to see how much Lauren's grown, Kara's tiny baby bump, and the girls loved hanging out with Maggie. It was exciting to see they're new property and to imagine all the cool things they will do there with their beautiful family-so cool.
Tuesday, was pretty special. I went and got all the kids from Mom's (which took forever), ran to Nobbies to get a balloon bouquet for Ari and all went back to billetting to surprise her with it. Then soonafter we went out to the Pizza Factory to celebrate with Owen and his family. Today he changed his name to Owen Dennis DeLaCruz and went through court to be adopted by Adam. It was pretty neat that we were here for that. Afterwards we spent the day at his house had a bbq dinner and cake. We sang happy DeLaCruz day to him and happy birthday to Ari ;)
Wednesday, we went to Borsheims and later on, Mitch and I got to see Fatima for a late dinner. It was so good to get to Kona, I've missed those avocado eggrolls and Cosmos like you wouldn't believe. It was great to see her and I hated imagining her not being in Omaha the next time we're there. I'm gonna miss her, but I'm excited for all the new ventures she has in store.
Thursday, Lili was gone all day..we went out with Aaron that night. We had M's pub then out to the Prestige lounge, I had a creme brulee martini, yum.
Friday, all the kids were finally home for their puney spring break and had a blast together. They put on a little show, made us lunch and spent the afternoon at Skate City. Kara & Lauren even joined us to visit for a little while. That night Mitch and I went to Shawn's birthday party and he FINALLY got to see everyone, which was very cool.
Saturday, M, I, Mom & Sara went to HuHot for lunch and I had seconds for the first time..mmm Then Mitch & I went to Gretna and visited with Karan & Rich, which was so nice & relaxing.
Lastly, we finished our visit to NE with another family dinner and goodbyes at mom & dad's, then we stayed the night at the Hilton to catch the shuttle to our very early flight. We loved this visit.
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