so so so much

In 2011, our beautiful Isaiah was born on September 18 at 2:42 p.m. The labor was bitter but his sisters being there with us to welcome into the world with love was sweet. He has been amazing every day of his life and as much work as he is fun.

We live in VIRGINIA now at Langley, which is crazy. Everything in our lives has been like a crazy roller coaster and it never stops...

in forever

It has been forever since I've written here...apparently a year and a half! I guess life either calmed down or got busy, whichever covers the moment.

Tonight, Ariana and I finished the second book of the twilight series, eclipse. It was fun. I've heard many moms say that these books have gotten them reading again and I guess I'm one of those. I honestly haven't read an actual book since I had to in high school. I would definitely say that they are a fun read.

My favorite thing about them is all the play on words and her amazing gift for describing beauty, love and pain. It has been fun getting to restock my mind with so many beautiful terms and interesting depictions. I have always loved vocabulary of the english language and the way it steals from every culture to fully be able to cover every facet of every idea. It is nice to see someone using such enthusiastic use of love of words to tell a story.

Anyways, in doing so, I realize I haven't written ANYTHING in well forever. Even worse, I still don't have much coming to the surface. I miss oozing of ideals and or of emotion.

Strange how when a healthy happy life is happening, it loses all the heat of hurt, eagerness, or fear. Life in a routine becomes safe and comfortable but becomes something of little conversation or discussion. Suddenly controversy is petty or stupid and easily blown out of proportion, just because tension has grown stagnent. Anger is just harder to hurdle when its simply out of ignorant stubborness. In the calmness, what brings excitement? Vacations, music, something that tastes really good, passion. Ok answers are good but aren't always easy to happen. Variety, again takes spontaneaty which isn't always easy to invent. Thankfulness that all is well and realizing how blessed life is with nothing lurking or destroying your happiness. What is there to write about?

Life is full as you make it, why am I so comfortable with it being so still during the day but so frustrated that I didn't do more with my time as night approaches? Its frustrating. If I could control my initiative and thoughts I would reverse them to take better advantage of daylight.

Having a family becomes a gridwork for the structure that you give your children. That has its right to be a priority, time passes entirely too quickly where they are concerned. It feels like you only get one chance to guide the way and then its passed. You wait for each weekend to come and then summer for the leisure times but then realize that they've grown another year older in the process of looking forward to that time. You look at pictures of their little faces and look them in the eye to see how frighteningly much they have grown already! It pains you to look back and miss the plumpness in their faces and see the innocence in their eyes fleeting.

They become more and more aware of the world around themselves everyday and you have to decide every time whether to guide them through or cover their eyes. Endlessly you give them another minute that you can never get back and that guides them to their own path someday. You hope that at the very least, you do well enough that they will want you there in their future and even moreso, in their hearts and minds.

If being a mother means they become my legacy of the love I give them and they only do better than me, that would be worth the time that is still and quiet. My girls belong in a peaceful life and I only pray that our blessed life continues to be the happily ever after that we have all dreamed of and wanted for so long. I pray that any pains and disappointments become stepping stones that we carry eachother through and not get brought down by. I pray that the peace is what we are always striving for and that there never be hurt, eagerness or fear.

thirty FIVE

I'm really turning this old Monday?!! The numbers 3 5 are so fat and round, there's nothing pretty about them. Why am this old?!..makes me mad..oh well, I guess its better than 75
For being this old, I guess I'm ok with saying that I've done a lot with with my time. I love looking back on my childhood. With my parents and my brother in Arizona, then my other brother, then living in England and getting my sister. Each of those were such an adventure in themselves.
Then came Nebraska...I would've never imagined how much life I would end up living there.
Its crazy that all our childhoods came to an end there. Its crazy that we ended up having our own children and starting our own families. It always seems like you can't grow up fast ENOUGH when you're little, and when you finally do, you wish you could go back in time.
I know I have a lot of life left, but sometimes looking back makes it seem like so much longer than it is. Makes you wonder how you could have survived certain things or wish you could change others. To think of decisions you made that you thought were the best and what could've been if you had chosen differently. Did I fight hard enough, did I really win or lose, did I do my best to learn the most out of every lesson. When we will we really ever learn?.....
The best things in life are the times when you laughed REALLY hard or felt extremely happy. The times when you and the people you love look back and feel those things all over again. The sacred moments you have with your little ones that you know, even as their happening, that you'll never forget.
I can't imagine the future. I hate the idea of being old, I always have. My mom has always told me to stop saying that before I don't get the chance to experience it. The idea I hate the most is of hurting or not being able to get around. I have never taken the luxury of my health for granted, not to say that I take great care of my health-that's hard, but I have always appreciated every thing that I can do. To imagine any part of me not being ok freaks me out.
Then there's the idea of my kids being grown and gone...I know that most people look forward to that, but again..that freaks me out. They're so little right now but every day they grow faster and faster and come closer to living their lives on their own. Which I'm supposed to help prepare them for? People warn you all your life to enjoy your youth, to enjoy your children's youths and you do your best. Regardless, it still goes way too fast and you go from having a newborn baby and still feeling young "enough" at 28 to having a six year old and being 35! Its just too fast, way too fast. Well, I better catch my breath before I miss something,

weak week

You're supposed to believe that someday your kids won't need you, right? Its so different when you're put in the circumstance of "sharing" your kid. I realize that Bellevue is home for her, because it was for me too and is even more rooted for her because of family and where she's spent most of her life so far. Its just hard to be on the other end of everything and be the furthest away and least involved in her day. Its so the opposite of everything I've ever given her. I direly dreaded her visit away from me as it approached and as soon as I stepped away from her, I felt clenched.
I wanted to do my best to enjoy time living alone with my husband since we never really had. I wanted to have a positive attitude and make the most of what was, and I somehow did it most days. But six weeks is such a long time. Now that the time is finally coming close to an end, I keep wondering how much she will have changed. Even in just the times that she's on the phone with me, I hear her old self and little behaviors creeping back up. It sux being on the end that is less desireable because there's so much distraction on her end. It really sux upsetting her at the discussion of her leaving there, because all I'm waiting for is for her to be in my arms again. It sux to know that every time I think about taking her away from what she feels is home, I feel can't help the guilt I feel for hurting her. I hope and pray that the life and choices I've made for me and her give her the best and make up for the sacrifices she has had to make. I hope that at the least, she sees a lot from me and my mom, and that you can hang on tight to eachother -no matter how far or how old you are. I pray she always loves me as much as I love her, and I especially pray that she always feels that she needs me as much as I need her.

jul 31-aug 2

This weekend was Vegas, I'd definitely say my favorite part was the amazing suite. We stayed at the MGM Signature Suites and I LOVED it. I could've lived in the bathroom alone. It was so beautiful and the even had a jetted tub..ahhh. The little tv being in there was just decadent and honestly, I didn't want to come out. (In loving memory:) http://www.signaturemgmgrand.com/Suites/Default.aspx There were super soft white robes that were so comfy but not hot and I kept throwing it on every chance I got...and the bed..omgosh it was sooo soft and fluffy. I loved the food we ate out, of course, I always love eatting out though.
When we were checking out Mitch had one last surprise, he noticed that I loved the robe so much that he had bought me my own to take home. I can't wait til it gets as soft as the waywashed ones.
It was a blast getting out at Mandalay Bay, their clubs are so pretty, especially minus5. It was fun posting all the pics on facebook and getting to step back and look at our fun time in Vegas. Its somewhere I always wanted to go with him, only because it was one simple somewhere he hadn't been. Getting pictures can get kinda of annoying when you're having to tote a camera everywhere, but its so worth it when you get to look back on the experience...fun, fun

tic tic tick

My girls have been gone over two weeks now, which means I still have a ways to go til they come home. Its been really different not having their shows on tv, not picking meals catered to them, having grown up foods more often, being able to go at a moments notice, seeing real movies at the theater, having no routine, just not having much to consider. Most of all I miss their voices, in their playroom, in the yard, singing in the car..just like I knew I would...I miss Lili's hundred hugs a day, and making her happy. I miss having my little helper and Mitch's little mini-me, Ari.
Mitch has loved having this time alone and keeps doing his best to make the most of it, although we keep feeling like we could be doing more. Yesterday I asked him if this time would be something he would like to look forward to every year or would rather have us having a baby (since he still keeps bringing that up). I wondered if he had thought about that since he keeps talking about how great this is...but he still said he'd rather have baby....sigh

I think if I could I be guaranteed it be a boy, maybe that would convince me...I think.
I'm scared..a baby? why can't I just talk myself into it already..ugh

may day!

This week Mitch warned me that he would be going to Michigan for a week, so he was working his butt off to get caught up ahead at work and get his all his stuff together. The week went fast! Afterschool, Wednesday was fun with Lili's daisy scouts, we planted flowers and picked up garbage-so cute. Thursday I took both girls to the salon, I got Lili's hair cut about two inches off and Ari got a touchup.
Today he came home around noon so I decided not to volunteer in Lili's class today to spend a little time with him, good thing I did because he got the call at 2, that he needed to be back on base and ready to go by 3:15. I had made a cake today to use some bananas and I at least sent him off with a piece. It was good, very rich, that it kinda was so moist it was hard to swallow..but good I guess. heehee..and so as he was rushing off, I had to run and get the girls out of school early (and run them home to say bye to him) then take Ari to her orthodonics appt at 3. So far he sent me a picture from his phone in the cargo plane and he called me to let me know he was there..
He's not sure whether he'll be home on Sat. or Sun. next weekend, it will be Mother's day..so..he better be.. ;-)

Visiting Home

Saturday, we arrived and it felt like forever til we found my dad picking us up. Then we got a wonderful enchilada dinner at my mom's house, Adam's family joined us. It was nice to finally meet Mia, she was beautiful. It was great to see all my nieces and nephews and how beautifully they've grown. Isabella has especially wrapped us around her finger with her enormous brown eyes and funny faces.
Sunday, we got out really late, had Village Inn, visited my mom's, then went to Adam's house. He and Kim made us a very nice family dinner, then we dropped Xai back at mom's because he had school the next morning.
Monday, we started the day with a visit to Mom's while the Adam's kids came for the morning. Next, we grabbed Sonic for lunch on our way to visit Kara & Lauren. We had a sweet visit and got to see how much Lauren's grown, Kara's tiny baby bump, and the girls loved hanging out with Maggie. It was exciting to see they're new property and to imagine all the cool things they will do there with their beautiful family-so cool.
Tuesday, was pretty special. I went and got all the kids from Mom's (which took forever), ran to Nobbies to get a balloon bouquet for Ari and all went back to billetting to surprise her with it. Then soonafter we went out to the Pizza Factory to celebrate with Owen and his family. Today he changed his name to Owen Dennis DeLaCruz and went through court to be adopted by Adam. It was pretty neat that we were here for that. Afterwards we spent the day at his house had a bbq dinner and cake. We sang happy DeLaCruz day to him and happy birthday to Ari ;)
Wednesday, we went to Borsheims and later on, Mitch and I got to see Fatima for a late dinner. It was so good to get to Kona, I've missed those avocado eggrolls and Cosmos like you wouldn't believe. It was great to see her and I hated imagining her not being in Omaha the next time we're there. I'm gonna miss her, but I'm excited for all the new ventures she has in store.
Thursday, Lili was gone all day..we went out with Aaron that night. We had M's pub then out to the Prestige lounge, I had a creme brulee martini, yum.
Friday, all the kids were finally home for their puney spring break and had a blast together. They put on a little show, made us lunch and spent the afternoon at Skate City. Kara & Lauren even joined us to visit for a little while. That night Mitch and I went to Shawn's birthday party and he FINALLY got to see everyone, which was very cool.
Saturday, M, I, Mom & Sara went to HuHot for lunch and I had seconds for the first time..mmm Then Mitch & I went to Gretna and visited with Karan & Rich, which was so nice & relaxing.
Lastly, we finished our visit to NE with another family dinner and goodbyes at mom & dad's, then we stayed the night at the Hilton to catch the shuttle to our very early flight. We loved this visit.

We're on our way back to the O! I've been trying to think of anything I need to finish up before we leave. I've got Marley situated, but I need to give him a bath and clip his claws. I've paid the bills, I only bought a few groceries to make meals of the food we have left in the house and even a few travel size toiletries since we'll be hotelling it while we're there.

I am excited to see all my people. I wish I didn't have such a gut on me and that I didn't love to eat so much now..dangit, that will be embarassing..oh well ..see which is why I have the problem now. I miss everybody, especially My DADDY. Liana can hardly stand it anymore..I don't blame her. Its so hard to be patient when your little.

The worst part is packing..I don't wanna, but I'll be getting started here after this. Especially with laundry for kids..its like as soon as you declare it done, there's a whole new load. I only hate packing because you have to pick so many outfits and for so many ladies. Its hard enough for me to pick the one I'm wearing daily!

Anyways..boring ..not much to say..HERE WE COME OMAHA!

kinderqueen

I'm so excited for Lili, her name finally came up last Friday for Queen of the Week. Basically this little person is the teachers helper for the week and gets focused to learn more about. The entire class learns to spell their name, draws a portrait of them, she gets to bring show and tell each day and she gets to make a poster about herself (by the way she says she wants to be veterinarian now), her favorite things and about her family. At the end of her reign the entire class does a cheer spelling her name and it just seems like it makes them each feel so very special.
Monday, she took her tiger Rajah and said the class was amazed how it growled and moved. She was proud to say that the person that liked it the most was her teacher, Mrs. S. and to top it all off it was her turn to bring snacks so she took green sugared shamrock cookies from the bakery.
Tuesday, she took her tiger & cub figurines. They asked her lots of questions about what other animals she had. So many the teacher let Lili decide whose questions she would answer.
Wednesday, she's was mad there was no school for PM Kindergarteners, but since she came with a bad cold its a good thing she was home.
Thursday, she was still pretty sick but insisted she HAD to go, she couldn't miss a day of being queen AND the kids were able to bring a teddy bear to school today and there was no way she was wanting to miss that. She showed her Air Force bear she won at the DaddyDDance. She said everyone said he was really cool and all the boys wanted him.
Friday I was there to volunteer and it looks like Lili got her wish to stay on til Monday at least. I got to see her do the calendar and show her cat, but it was a fast and busy day.
Monday I asked her teacher if I could come in the few minutes before class end to catch the cheer, it was cool. I wondered if any other parents have known about this and gotten to see it.

Ariana's Play

Ariana is in her school play. She even got to be one the cowgirls as she had hoped for. She has been going to rehearsals every week since January and the time has finally come. This week has been busy with dress rehearsals and lots of practice. She has explained that the show is a collaboration of lots of different plays put together as some type of more of a musical show..but that her songs she is in are from Oklahoma. Its all very hush hush as a surprise for parents, family and schoolmates. The first run is for the school on Thursday morning. Its exciting because they use a high school's Performing Arts Center and that first show will be a field trip for the whole elementary school. It hasn't been fun going across town every day for rehearsals on mommy's part, but the Center is really nice (its actually the same place they had their dance recitals).
Thursday is opening night, and Lili, Mitch and I will see it together. We are excited to see the big surprise.

We saw the play all three times! It was really impressive, they did an amazing job! Ariana even had a little solo in her group's song and she did great! The best part was how much fun they seemed to be having. It looked like a blast. It sucked that no cameras or video were allowed, because of course they'll be selling photos and videos. These are a few pictures of everybody in their show t-shirts.

spring ahead

This weekend is Mitch's last chance to get in as much studying as physically possible before he tests on Tuesday the 10th. He's been working really hard towards it and has even taken time off to get in more time to study.
I got the girls out the house by 11:30 this morning and we stayed out til like 5:30, trying to give him a quiet house. We had fun! Ari had a short play rehearsal, so Lili and I hung out nearby at Kmart, then we picked her up and went towards Olympia. We went downtown to check out the toy shop we had seen. It was very cool and we were in there for what felt like hours. Even I was down on the floor playing and getting into EVERYTHING! Lili picked out tiger & cub figurines and Ari picked out a lioness & cub. I couldn't believe how cool the little store was-it was actually hard to leave-and I NEVER feel that way about toy stores. We were especially lucky that the bad weather had the store nice and not so busy. Next, we stopped and got them Happy Meals cuz they're big into the little pet shop toys that are in them right now ;) then we hung out at the mall for a while. We got smoothies, we spent a little time at the playing, climbing thing and I scanned a few stores that I'd like to explore when they maybe aren't with me, they get bored so understandably easy.
Since I realize we were gone so long, I'm surprisingly proud that I didn't really spend hardly anything today. I'm glad to have worn the girls out so that they had no problem getting to sleep with rush to bed for the clock's spring ahead.

heart

although this place seems to be abandoned, I think I still want to write occassionally because I know I forget too easily to not give myself some place to look back on. Its probably good for me to go here.
Friday, the girls had their school parties and had lots of sweets to show for it. I had hid chocolates hearts in Mitch's front seat under his lunch and a big chocolate heart in his back seat. When I came out from Lili's class there was a navi system in my 4runner-very cool. So then we got home I gave Mitch the last gift I had gotten for him, a gift certificate for a massage at Massage Envy.
Saturday was Valentines day, Mitch had roses delivered for us. I had these beautiful pink (on the outside) red (on the inside) roses. The girls got three yellow roses each with a stuffed animal (that they each went gaga over), they were all very cool. Otherwise we were pretty lazy, low-key throughout the day then we had reservations for dinner at a japanese restaurant we hadn't tried yet, Fujiyama, which turned out to be incredibly delish. Sunday we were just lazy and stayed in from the cold.
Today, we went exploring a little to try out the nav system and found a ferry to cross to Anderson island, which we also discoverd has absolutely nothing on it but houses and a school. So we let the kids play on the playground for a little and then crossed back over to get back home.
Mitch took this whole week off, and the girls have one more day. Tomorrow we are going to Seattle to go to the Lion King, the broadway play. We're all excited and looking forward to it!

mommy power!

I found both the girls' dresses last night and did so at amazing prices! I went to all seven major retail stores in Lacey and picked them from two different stores to get them to somewhat match or at least coordinate together. I ended up with white and black polka dots. So today Ari's dress got taken to the seamstress cuz it was wide across her ribs and she needed shoes. Now I just wish I could find them some little sweaters or something cuz they're both strappy dresses.. I'm not having any luck. The couple I did find were ugly or ridiculously too much dinero.
I got them ruffley socks, and I found a cool aqua colored headband set that came with a couple other silver glittered ones, so I thought Mitch could wear that aqua color shirt. I wished I could come with something more fancy, but that ended up being all I could find in that color for him.. I hope they look nice when it all comes together. Its not even that I want them to be as fancy as last year, we're so grateful that they even all get to go to the Daddy Daughter Dance together. If Mitch had come home when he was expecting to, they wouldn't have even gotten to ;')

a lot of..

What to write about, what to write about.. funny how when things are well and content I feel less motivated to write. When things are hurting or disturbing, the words seem to flow easily.
The best thing about not feeling like writing is only that it seems like there's so much going that you don't want to miss a moment.
Mitch and I have had a lot of down time during his leave. Its confusing whether to want to just laze around and recover from the ordeal of being apart for seven months or to do our best to use our time together to do things, go places or even get little projects done. Of course we've done of a lot of the down time, and a little of the rest. We've watched SO MANY movies, and eatten out way too much. We realize that should start to dwindle after he feels more like he's gotten enough of things he was missing. I told him I feel bad that I haven't cooked as much as was while he was gone, but that its his fault that I'm too tired and distracted to want to cook. Maybe when he starts working again we'll get back into a more realistic routine, as opposed to home-a-tos ..ha!
Then to top things off I got a tummy bug that ruined the last couple of me being able to do much standing (cuz it hurt so bad) and meant a lot of me sleeping... I think I'm feeling better though.

jan 12

Today things are off kilter for some reason but I'm not sure why. I feel like writing but I don't know what about. I feel lonesome..weird to say.
The bad thing about relying on someone and depending on someone is that when they don't feel like being there, they may not be. When you lift your weight away and realize you can't lean on them, it reminds you that you shouldn't rely on someone else so much. You shouldn't put too much on or rely on anyone but yourself.
Human minds are dangerous things when they trod off in their own directions, it can be exhausting dealing with a person that just won't stay on track. Its also exhausting being the person that can't stop thinking and drifting so I know both sides feel hopeless at times. Stress and trauma make things toxic and twisted. Its a mystery whether healing is really such a thing and if life ever really does move on. Does the bad get over or does bad get over everything else?...just venting

feet finally touch the ground

Mitch and I have been glued to eachother since he got home. It was such a high to have him back home that we couldn't sleep for the past two nights. We looked exhausted, couldn't stay more than a few inches apart, and couldn't get over that we're finallyback together. He went to the base this morning but was back by noon. Today we had our very first time alone with the girls at school, since Lili started Kindergarten while he was gone. It was so momentus. We didn't do anything earthshattering, but it still felt as exciting as a date. We got his plate stickers, got Starbucks, went to a bike shop and a hardware store..weird thing was they were all my ideas. Then we went home and relaxed for about 45 minutes because I had Daisy Scouts to go to today with LiLi. It was nice to have his help in getting Ari & Myia home and getting to walk in the meeting on time for once. When Lili and I got home Mitch had done a lot of straightening and tidying up, which was so nice to have had the help.
I made a pretty filling dinner and he and I had shared a wine cooler, so he got sleepy and conked out. I fell asleep for a few minutes, but then woke up because I knew I needed to put the girls to bed and now feel wide awake..again. Oh well. At least I got to write a little.
Nice day, loved January 7th.

maybe I'll write more when I stop flippin out!

NO JOKE! My husband is home! I say he's home early but in reality he was actually there for longer than he should have been because he had bypassed some training ahd had actually gotten there early.
He surprised me and actually showed up at our front door!! He got here about 2:30 and we went and got the girls from school at 3:00. I couldn't wait to see their faces!
Liana got a confused looking surprised...


Ari almost lost it!

This was a day I hope I never forget. I could not believe it was real even when it was actually happening, and ever since he got here I can't take my eyes off him. I just can't believe he's really here...

the NEW YEAR!

I surprised the girls and decorated a little for New Years Eve. They wore the hat and beads they asked for all evening. We had a fun dinner and they blew their noisemakers everytime another time zone hit midnight. By the time we finally had ours (was ours the last in the world or something??) I was thankful it was finally our time. They had fun and were way too excited! It was cool and it kept my spirits up. At midnight, yes they stayed up, we watched the fireworks on tv from the Space Needle in Seattle and called Mitch. He heard the girls' noisemakers and was laughing, he couldn't really talk so he gave me a bunch of kisses and told me Happy New Year, which I really appreciated it, considering he was probably surrounded by his fellow assoicates. It was pretty good, for being apart.
All I know is January..February..that's all I think about. I cannot wait for him to come home!

meaningful, meaninglessness

In having dealt was a tough situation this week and with a person that has always been my downfall, it left me feeling ...crappy.
All the tensions and anxieties..ugh..the feeling of conflict and disa..everything..disappointment, disagreement, disawhatever. I was blindsided by a surprising bombardment of bad memories. I have been working hard on getting rid of anything from that time in my life, or anything that makes me remember. But since I still have to deal with the person, I can't avoid it completely. I am only writing this here to be able to look back on and to remind myself how far I've finally gotten away from those times.
My husband always asks me why? But I can't answer that if its something I never could answer even to myself. I guess now I would just admit it as stubborness.
I've also learned that person is a completely different person now. In having to deal with crazy situations all week, I saw how different that person is now. Virtually a stranger, which I felt was very enlightening. Even more importantly that I am a completely different person, stronger and wiser and able to handle things that were coming up because I was clearheaded and had traveled so much in the last couple years with my husband. That person looks so powerless and meaningless now.
What made me feel crappy, was that the memories that were flying out of nowhere were ordinary every day life, but they made me sad. Incredibly, overcomingly, horribly sad. Even if the memories weren't necessarily sad, they just made ME sad. I tried figuring out why.. Its never easy to feel un-valuable, but that's not what is important, because that person is not important anymore.
All week, that I've heard this voice, like claws on chalk; the sweetest sound I heard was my husband's voice, no matter the fact that he's four thousand miles away from me, the contrast in his spirit is something I ..can't even figure out how to word..need, live for, thrive on, am comforted by, am given strength from..LOVE.
I want to forget the sad, the bad, the ill, and I hope I do someday. I don't want to look back anymore. I don't want to remember. The people in those times don't even exist anymore. There is nothing that could ever make those bad, sad and ill lives happen again. And I pray that the more new life that happens everyday, that the less room there is for remembering the old life.